Stress, Alleviate It

 The Science Of A Good Marriage

Why do some men and women cheat on their partners while others resist the temptation?

To find the answer, a growing body of research is focusing on the science of commitment. Scientists are studying everything from the biological factors that seem to influence marital stability to a person’s psychological response after flirting with a stranger.

Their findings suggest that while some people may be naturally more resistant to temptation, men and women can also train themselves to protect their relationships and raise their feelings of commitment.

Recent studies have raised questions about whether genetic factors may influence commitment and marital stability. Hasse Walum, a biologist at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, studied 552 sets of twins to learn more about a gene related to the body’s regulation of the brain chemical vasopressin, a bonding hormone.

Over all, men who carried a variation in the gene were less likely to be married, and those who had wed were more likely to have had serious marital problems and unhappy wives. Among men who carried two copies of the gene variant, about a third had experienced a serious relationship crisis in the past year, double the number seen in the men who did not carry the variant.

Although the trait is often called the “fidelity gene,” Mr. Walum called that a misnomer: his research focused on marital stability, not faithfulness. “It’s difficult to use this information to predict any future behavior in men,” he told me. Now he and his colleagues are working to replicate the findings and conducting similar research in women.

While there may be genetic differences that influence commitment, other studies suggest that the brain can be trained to resist temptation.

A series of unusual studies led by John Lydon, a psychologist at McGill University in Montreal, have looked at how people in a committed relationship react in the face of temptation. In one study, highly committed married men and women were asked to rate the attractiveness of people of the opposite sex in a series of photos. Not surprisingly, they gave the highest ratings to people who would typically be viewed as attractive.

Later, they were shown similar pictures and told that the person was interested in meeting them. In that situation, participants consistently gave those pictures lower scores than they had the first time around.

When they were attracted to someone who might threaten the relationship, they seemed to instinctively tell themselves, “He’s not so great.” “The more committed you are,” Dr. Lydon said, “the less attractive you find other people who threaten your relationship.”

But some of the McGill research has shown gender differences in how we respond to a cheating threat. In a study of 300 heterosexual men and women, half the participants were primed for cheating by imagining a flirtatious conversation with someone they found attractive. The other half just imagined a routine encounter.

Afterward, the study subjects were asked to complete fill-in-the-blank puzzles like LO_AL and THR__T.

Unbeknownst to the participants, the word fragments were a psychological test to reveal subconscious feelings about commitment. (Similar word puzzles are used to study subconscious feelings about prejudice and stereotyping.)

No pattern emerged among the study participants who imagined a routine encounter. But there were differences among men and women who had entertained the flirtatious fantasy. In that group, the men were more likely to complete the puzzles with the neutral words LOCAL and THROAT. But the women who had imagined flirting were far more likely to choose LOYAL and THREAT, suggesting that the exercise had touched off subconscious concerns about commitment.

Of course, this does not necessarily predict behavior in the real world. But the pronounced difference in responses led the researchers to think women might have developed a kind of early warning system to alert them to relationship threats.

Other McGill studies confirmed differences in how men and women react to such threats. In one, attractive actors or actresses were brought in to flirt with study participants in a waiting room. Later, the participants were asked questions about their relationships, particularly how they would respond to a partner’s bad behavior, like being late and forgetting to call.

Men who had just been flirting were less forgiving of the hypothetical bad behavior, suggesting that the attractive actress had momentarily chipped away at their commitment. But women who had been flirting were more likely to be forgiving and to make excuses for the man, suggesting that their earlier flirting had triggered a protective response when discussing their relationship.

“We think the men in these studies may have had commitment, but the women had the contingency plan — the attractive alternative sets off the alarm bell,” Dr. Lydon said. “Women implicitly code that as a threat. Men don’t.”

The question is whether a person can be trained to resist temptation. In another study, the team prompted male students who were in committed dating relationships to imagine running into an attractive woman on a weekend when their girlfriends were away. Some of the men were then asked to develop a contingency plan by filling in the sentence “When she approaches me, I will __________ to protect my relationship.”

Because the researchers could not bring in a real woman to act as a temptation, they created a virtual-reality game in which two out of four rooms included subliminal images of an attractive woman. The men who had practiced resisting temptation gravitated toward those rooms 25 percent of the time; for the others, the figure was 62 percent.

But it may not be feelings of love or loyalty that keep couples together. Instead, scientists speculate that your level of commitment may depend on how much a partner enhances your life and broadens your horizons — a concept that Arthur Aron, a psychologist and relationship researcher at Stony Brook University, calls “self-expansion.”

To measure this quality, couples are asked a series of questions: How much does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?

The Stony Brook researchers conducted experiments using activities that stimulated self-expansion. Some couples were given mundane tasks, while others took part in a silly exercise in which they were tied together and asked to crawl on mats, pushing a foam cylinder with their heads. The study was rigged so the couples failed the time limit on the first two tries, but just barely made it on the third, resulting in much celebration.

Couples were given relationship tests before and after the experiment. Those who had taken part in the challenging activity posted greater increases in love and relationship satisfaction than those who had not experienced victory together.

Now the researchers are embarking on a series of studies to measure how self-expansion influences a relationship. They theorize that couples who explore new places and try new things will tap into feelings of self-expansion, lifting their level of commitment.

“We enter relationships because the other person becomes part of ourselves, and that expands us,” Dr. Aron said. “That’s why people who fall in love stay up all night talking and it feels really exciting. We think couples can get some of that back by doing challenging and exciting things together.”

Tara Parker-Pope’s new book is “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.”

Menopause Is The Ultimate Sleep Challenge

By Rebecca Booth, MD

Obstetrician and gynecologist, Author of The Venus Week: Discover the Powerful Secret of Your Cycle...At Any Age 

Sleeplessness is second only to hot flashes as a reason my menopausal and perimenopausal patients ask about hormones. While writing this blog I can say that on every day that I have seen patients more than one has described the loss of sleep as the worst part of "the change" for them. Investigators often relate the decreasing amount of sleep during menopause and perimenopause as interruptions due to hot flashes, but there is probably more to it than just waking up to sweats. Curiously, the scientific data here is not very revealing. Most large studies have not shown conclusive links between estrogen decline and sleeplessness, but gynecologists see a strong relationship in their patients. I often hear, "I would be OK if I could just sleep," "I can take the hot flashes, but not the insomnia," " I will take hormones the rest of my life if they help me sleep..."

Often even very low doses of estrogen will help the patient who is willing to accept the risks, and progesterone has been used for years to help coax in drowsiness. It would seem that during our reproductive years Mother Nature loves for us to have a distinct time of rest that may not be as evolutionarily beneficial when breeding is finished. In fact, anthropologists could argue that wakefulness for those more senior could benefit the entire village by alerting to nighttime threats, adding a layer of protection for those younger folk who may be engaged in other activities of the night...or gestating. My patients are not willing to add their late night list making, racing thoughts, and counting sheep to the benefit of the "village." In fact, more than once I have had a patient tell me she would rather take hormones and accept some risk than to never sleep well again.

Sleep is imperative to memory processing...and not just any sleep, specifically healthy sleep, including rapid eye movement (REM) and what is known as slow wave sleep (non-REM). Just being "drugged" into sleep does not result in the healthy brain processing that we now know is an important purpose of sleep. The pharmaceutical industry's cash cow list of hypnotics does not necessarily induce healthy sleep. In fact, the most worrisome side effect from long-term use of sleep aides such as Ambien is short-term memory loss.

A German study in 2000 demonstrated that the EEGs of sleeping menopausal women were significantly improved with low dose estrogen replacement, suggesting improved "cognitive functioning." Repeated recent studies have suggested that estrogen has a very protective effect on verbal memory, and one could ask if this is due to the positive impact on sleep. But up to now, larger studies have not demonstrated that hormone replacement is beneficial to sleep despite many anecdotal stories of miraculous improvement.

Estrogen is not sedating, but the brain experiences a withdrawal-like syndrome in menopause and the result can be surging levels of noradrenalin. Yes, some menopausal women are experiencing a flight-or-fight reaction in the middle of the night due to the brain withdrawing from reproductive hormones that are no longer pouring out of the retiring ovary. It would follow that estrogen replacement may ease the insomnia in some who are experiencing sleeplessness or early morning wakening, but there are risks, and some women must avoid HRT regardless of benefit (such as those with an active estrogen sensitive cancer, or a history of blood clot or stroke).

Chronic insomnia in menopause is a huge challenge. If HRT is not an acceptable option, or is not effective, there are several approaches. Meditation is an often-overlooked safe, effective way to mimic the brain healing effects of good sleep. There are some in the field of meditation who explain that the brain waves achieved with adequate mindfulness resemble those during healthy sleep. Even if the person meditating is not in full-fledged sleep, if memory processing is performed, the meditator will feel equally rested.

Melatonin, the brain chemical associated with nightfall or darkness, has an important role in over all health and possibly short-term memory. Melatonin supplements are available over the counter (3-5mg at bedtime for adults), and even if they are only mildly sedating, their addition may aide in mental clarity the following day.

Help for Menopausal Insomnia:

• See your doctor for a complete physical and to rule out conditions such as sleep apnea, depression and/or anxiety
• Do not eat within 2 hours of bedtime
• Avoid caffeine, nicotine and other stimulants
• Avoid alcohol before bedtime which can cause early morning rebound wakefulness
• Wear comfortable natural fibers that "breath" to bed
• Consider a remote control fan--ceiling or tabletop
• Avoid highly stimulating books, TV, or movies just before bed
• To ease restless legs try a 6 oz glass of diet tonic water 30 minutes before sleep
• Take Melatonin, 3-5mg 30 minutes to an hour before bedtime
• Learn relaxing yoga poses, such as: Half Tortoise Pose
• Practice meditation or prayer just before, or while in bed

• Consider, with your doctor, hormone replacement therapy
• Consider, with your doctor, non-addicting prescription aides to induce drowsiness such as low dose Amitriptyline

The bottom line is that sleeplessness is commonly associated with menopause, and there is plenty of room for more research in this area. In the meantime I have many patients who are grateful for the relief they often feel on HRT, and others who improve with non-hormonal supplements such as melatonin. For the few who continue to struggle there are a variety of older antidepressants (such as low dose Amitriptyline) that are non-habit forming and can aide in relief, and again, meditation is a viable and valuable option with a long list of other health benefits. It is ironic that in our constant searching for more energy that ultimately being able to unplug and recharge is impossible for so many...and painfully cruel in that it may be a design of nature. Alas, hormones are wasted on the young!